Thursday, November 16, 2017

Gender Fuck Thursday

Look, admittedly we live in confusing times. Men can’t seem to figure out when it is and isn’t appropriate to masturbate in front of terrified/revolted women. A 14-year-old girl is a perfectly good dating prospect if you’re a white Republican would-be senator. And the president calls hostile world leaders with access to nuclear weapons “short and fat” because of course he does. But one thing there should be no confusion on is that Hope Hicks in a tuxedo is not a good thing. Granted, Hope Hicks in a tuxedo is empirically not a terrible thing. It fits her nicely and I always approve of women in what has been traditionally considered menswear, always. But, alas, she is a woman in a tuxedo who works in service of an evil toddler who treats women, POC, LGBTQ people, Muslims, immigrants and anyone who isn’t a rich white man like absolute shit. So yeah, Hope Hicks in a tuxedo is not a good thing. But do you know what there should also be no confusion about? Allison Janney in a tuxedo is a very, very, very (very, very, very) good thing. In these confusing times cling to what we hold most dear. Thank you, Allison. We all needed that.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Amazonian Fail

If you every wondered if it matters who gets to tell stories, look no further than the new costumes for the Amazons. You remember the Amazons, right? Fierce warriors of Themyscira who are tasked with defending the world against the evils of man. They ride horses and shoot arrows and swing from ropes and kick all of the ass. Remember? And to do that they need sensible yet attractive battle armor, right? Right.

Well, not anymore.

Say goodbye metal breastplates and hello leather bikinis in the new “Justice League” movie. Now we’re not talking about their lounging around Paradise Island clothes here, which in the “Wonder Women” film also tended to be leather and midriff heavy. At least makes some sense given the Mediterranean locale. We are talking about what the Amazons actually wearing into battle with their swords and their bows blazing. Can you spot the difference above in “Wonder Woman” at left and in “Justice League” at right?

Here maybe it helps if I tell you who was behind the Amazons.

On your left: director Patty Jenkins and costume designer designed by Lindy Hemming. On the right: director Zack Snyder and costume designer Michael Wilkinson.

Like I was saying, it matters who gets to tell stories.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Lesbian Off the Boat

I’ve talked about “Fresh Off the Boat” a little here. Namely, it’s a wonderful show and Constance Wu deserves all of the Emmys. All of this is true, and then this season the show went and added my favorite thing ever: A sustained lesbian storyline.

Earlier this season Nicole, the teenage daughter next door to the Huang family, came out to Eddie (the Huang’s eldest son and de facto show narrator).

I was wondering if it would be a one-off or just a recurring joke. But instead the series decided to explore it further and had the Very Special Coming Out episode last week. And it was sweet, it was so sweet. There was softball and Melissa Etheridge and guitar-playing wiccans who love to camp.

The series creator is out lesbian Nahnatchka Khan, whose previous credits include “Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23” and “American Dad!” But don’t just watch because of that or because it’s one of the only show on broadcast television with such abundant Asian American representation. Watch (it airs tonight, hint hint) because it is, hands down, very funny. And now, also, quite gay.

Monday, November 13, 2017

A Reckoning

This seemingly endless parade of Bad Men being finally exposed is a reckoning. After thousands and thousands of years living under the patriarchy, perhaps women have at long last had enough. Perhaps women have, at long last, decided they cannot stomach the subjugation one second longer. Perhaps women have, at long last, decided men – yes all men, not just the abusers and the assaulters – must aknowledge this awfulness once and for all.

What the Weinstein story broke was a dam that supported the status quo of abuse, assault, harassment and horrible behavior of Bad Men. We seemingly allowed this abuse because said men were rich, powerful, important, brilliant, et al. But, truth be told, men don’t need to be any of those things to get away with abusing women (and other men, because both women and men fall victim to toxic masculinity). They just needed to be men. And for women (and, again, other men) the price of existence in this society was absorbing the daily indignities, humiliations, objectifications and abuses that they doled out. That’s show business. That’s [insert work field here]. That’s just life. Suck it up. Deal with it.

I don’t know what the ultimate outcome of this unveiling of the awfulness of far too many men will be. Will we move forward as a society in a way that treats women as more than just sexual objects or secondary life forms? The cynical part of my brain says any purge this successful will be met with a backlash twice as ferocious. The status quo hates to be threatened.

But in other ways I am encouraged. Over the weekend Ellen Page wrote a searing post on Facebook about her own experiences with homophobia and harassment in Hollywood at the hands of serial harasser and all-around asshole Brett Ratner and others. The remarkable piece also takes note of her own privilege in the industry, as a rich, successful white actress. We are hearing these and believing so many of these stories now because the women who are telling them have power. Many of them are incredibly famous and highly acclaimed actresses. But think of the truly countless number of stories women whose names we don’t already know have to tell about these men. The waitresses. The assistants. The clerks. The service workers. Poor women. Women of color. Queer women. The truly voiceless.

If the most famous women in the world didn’t feel comfortable speaking out until now, think of all the other women who still live in fear. We all have to work harder to create a world that believes women. And we have to end the stigma associated with sexual abuse and assault that assumes women were somehow asking for it by simply existing.

This takes standing up for what is right and using our power to lift up other women and root out Bad Men. Also over the weekend we saw this start as it was revealed that Gal Gadot, a.k.a. Wonder Woman herself, will only sign up for the sequel if Ratner and his production company are out. You see, when Warner Bros. signed her as Wonder Woman they did so for three films: “Batman vs. Superman,” the standalone “Wonder Woman” movie and the upcoming “Justice League.” Unlike most male superhero franchise stars they failed to sign her up for a stand-alone sequel to “Wonder Woman,” for reasons one can only assume have to do with her double X chromosomes.

So now what is she doing with the considerable clout she has earned by her massive success as Diana of Themyscira? Using it to make the playing field more fair and remove a stain on the industry. How truly super. Then maybe, just maybe, the time of the Brett Ratners and Harvey Weinsteins and Louis C.K.s of the world will truly be over.

p.s. While Hollywood does a long overdue house cleaning, it would be nice if politicians would read the fucking room. How much courage does it take to denounce a man who had sexual relations with a 14-year-old girl and other teenagers as a 32-year-old man? None, it takes no courage. It just takes being a decent human being. While they have long lost the so-called moral high road, if the Republicans elect Roy Moore next month they truly stand for nothing but clinging to power. And, yeah, I know – don’t get me started on that fucking repugnant pussy grabber in the White House. The reckoning can’t come soon enough.

Friday, November 10, 2017

My Weekend Rage On

It’s been a hell of a year. Take Uma’s measured yet clearly furious response to the recent revelations of serial sexual harassment, abuse and assault within the entertainment – not to mention basically every other – industry and apply it to all your unassuaged anger at the world these last 365 days. Better yet, take her Krazy 88s scene from “Kill Bill,” and consider it our collective literal and figurative response. Rage more weekend, all.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

ValkAzons Unite

Dear Movie Goddesses:

Please make a movie where the Amazons from “Wonder Woman” and the Valkyrie from “Thor: Ragnarok” team up and save the world from all enemies foreign and intergalactic. Picture it, two legendary bands of female warriors from ancient myth bound by destiny to fight evil now side-by-side. It’s a can’t miss blockbuster and every gay lady I know has already purchased 10 tickets in her head.

Your respectfully,
Ms. Snarker

But, for real, can we talk about how much I loved Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie in the new, fun Thor film? (Also, it doesn’t hurt that it also has Cate Blanchett evil vamping it up in skin-tight latex.) Tessa has wonderful swagger in the film. In short, she’s a true badass and I want her to call me immediately.

Now the character of Valkyrie is canonically bisexual in the comics. Unfortunately in the film you have to do some serious reading between the lines to suss out her sexuality. But there is one scene, where it seems her fellow Valkyrie/girlfriend takes a sword for her and she responds with anguish, that hints at queerness. There’s also her general badassness, which I always read as queerness. But hey, I’m biased that way.

The scene also interestingly mirrors a scene in “Wonder Woman” where General Antiope takes a bullet and her right-hand-woman/fellow Amazon comes running up in anguish.

Anyway. What I’m trying to say is the mash-up Valkyrie/Amazon movie is a no-brainer and also super, duper queer. So make it so, movie goddesses, make it so.

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

What a Difference a Year Makes

I approach today with no small amount of dread. Today, the one-year anniversary of the 2016 presidential election. Today, the one-year anniversary of the most egregious electoral outcome in modern American history. Today, the one-year anniversary of the dream of seeing a 240-year-old barrier finally broken denied. Today, the one-year anniversary of Hillary Clinton not becoming the President of the United States of America.

When I look back at the hope, the optimism and the belief in a better America I had at the start of Nov. 8, 2016 versus the start of Election Day 2017 and, well. Let’s just go to the meme:

I remember, so vividly, the pride I felt going into the polling place to cast my ballot for history and Hillary. I remember the relief I felt at not having to see or care about Donald Fucking Trump anymore. And I still have nightmares remembering how it all, slowly but surely, went to shit.

It’s hard for me to read things I wrote before Nov. 8, 2016. There’s a hopefulness that hurts and a naïveté about the simmering resentfulness and flat-out ugliness of so many American voters that is still devastating. I believed in an America that does not exist.

But here’s the thing about this big, often unwieldy and too often unworthy American experiment – as many times as it breaks our hearts, if we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and try even harder the next time we almost always find a way (however painfully slowly) forward.

And for proof, I give you Nov. 7, 2017. It was, quite possibly, the first good night for this democracy in 364 days. Democrats win the governorships in Virginia and New Jersey. Democrats poised to flip the Virginia legislature from red to blue. Virginia Democrat Danica Roem beat a virulently anti-LGBT Republican incumbent to become the first out transgender person elected to a state legislature in the United States. Virginia Democratic candidate Chris Hurst, whose TV reporter girlfriend was shot to death live on television, ran on a gun-control platform and beat an incumbent Republican. Lest we think all the good news is out of Virginia, in Minneapolis Democrat Andrea Jenkins became the first out transgender woman of color elected to public office in the U.S.

I could go on and on because it was really that good of a night.

But all I really want to say is to take the rage and disappointment and despair and fear you felt on the night of Nov. 8, 2016 and channel it into work. Channel it into action. Channel it into votes. And on Nov. 6, 2018 let’s have an even better night.

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Mind Torv

Kittens, I am kind of disappointed in you. Why did none of you tell me Anna Torv was in “Mindhunter?” And why did no one tell me Anna Torv was (you should really stop reading if you don’t want to be spoiled about a slow-reveal plot point – I mean it, this is your last chance) a lesbian in “Mindhunter?” I feel like the whole thing was an epic fail of the usually reliable Big Lesbian Phone Tree.

I’ve been a fan of Anna Torv for almost 10 years. I first started watching her in “Fringe” and then was delighted to realize she also had a very memorable arc on the original U.K. series “Mistresses” (very, very memorable). And then she kind of went away and I almost forgot about her almost. And then this where I rediscover her on Netflix’s new beginnings of serial killer profiling FBI series “Mindhunter.”

What I’ve always liked about Anna is the unshakeable competence she projects. She just seemed so capable. Like you knew she meant business and was not to be fucked with. Also, she looks freaking amazing in a well-tailored dress shirt. What I’ve also liked is how totally OK she is with making out with ladies on screen.

Like, say, on “Fringe” in a Weird Science-y kind of way with a Mila Kunis-lookalike.

And on “Mistresses,” in an OMG-unbutton-those-buttons kind of way with Shelley Conn.

After binging the entire season of “Mindhunter” over the weekend I can highly recommend it to anyone who likes crime dramas, psychological thrillers and loosely historical period pieces (the period in question being the 1970s). It’s essentially like watching the origin story of “Criminal Minds.”

Unfortunately the series’ only deeper delve into Torv’s character, Dr. Wendy Carr, is relegated to one episode (No. 6, to be exact) where it is revealed that she is a closeted lesbian. We also get a few minutes of screentime with her girlfriend and fellow professor, played by the inimitable Lena Olin. Then, poof, it’s back to the boys.

Since “Mindhunter” has already been renewed for a second season we can only hope the show allows its one prominent female character to have as much of a rich on-screen internal life as all the men. Or, at very least, they’ll tell us what is going on with that mysterious laundry cat.

So, thoughts? Have you watched? But, seriously, whose job was it to call me on the Big Lesbian Phone Tree?

p.s. Apologies to Waffles who, indeed, did give me a heads up a while back about the gay lady action in Mindhunter. If only I had listened sooner.

Monday, November 06, 2017

Greet Me Like One Of Your Gals

This is how Gal Gadot greets short women. I am a short woman. Ergo, I need to meet Gal Gadot. I mean, that’s just math. Have a good, math-based Monday, all.

Friday, November 03, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Winona Ryder at the premiere of “The Commitments” in 1991. Winona Ryder at the premiere of “Paterson” in 2016. Twenty-five years later, same T-shirt and still the coolest girl in the room. I look forward to finally being able to binge “Stranger Things” Season 2 this weekend. Happy Winona weekend, all.

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Happy Holtzoween

Happy Holtzoween! Look, I know Halloween is over, but there is always time for a little more Ghostbusting. Plus yesterday was my birthday and I can Holtzoween if I want to. Here are the best 38 seconds of “Ghostbusters,” which was actually filled with many, many, many enjoyable seconds (strung into minutes, string into 2 hours and 14 minutes). After all, ghost slaying is good any day of the week.

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Birthday Wanker

Hey, it’s my birthday. Here’s one of my favorite clips (and all lesbians’ favorite clips) from “Imagine Me & You.” I’m still waiting for that “You’re A Wanker No. 9” T-shirt.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Scare the Paulson Off Them

Happy Halloween, kittens! I hope something scares the Paulson off you like this clip did to, well, Paulson. My favorite is when she tells the ax-wielding psycho to “Stop it!”

Oh, who am I kidding, the whole thing is my favorite. Especially her little finger wag.

Have a spooktauclar day, and get that candy – literally and metaphorically.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Nope, Kevin Spacey

Yeah, nope. Nope to all of that, Kevin Spacey. Look, I know we’re all excited about Indictment Day. (Please, let Mueller have gone to Jared, please, please…) But we have to take some time to talk about the very serious sexual allegations leveled at Kevin Spacey and his troublesome response on Sunday.

If you haven’t read it already, Buzzfeed published a thorough and well-sourced story about actor Anthony Rapp (of “Rent” and the new “Star Trek: Discovery” fame) who said Kevin Spacey made sexual advances at him when he was 14 years old. This is of course disturbing and inexcusable. Spacey was 26 at the time. And, again, Rapp was 14 (and it should be noted looked about 12).

Spacey did not respond to Buzzfeed’s requests for comment before the story published. But then a few hours after it published he tweeted out this:

Look, normally I cheer each new celeb who comes out. But coming out in response to allegations of trying to have sex with a 14-year-old boy is, uh, NOT GREAT. Super not great.

There are so many problematic things packed into Spacey’s two-paragraph apology. And I hate to say this, because everyone's journey out of the closet is different and difficult. But this statement does far more harm than good. And it’s extremely hard to not cynically see his “coming out” as a shield against what many believe will be flood of more similar allegations.

But let’s talk about what the man said up front. Somehow it manages to reinforce nearly every single terrible stereotype homophobes have about LGBTQ people: lasciviousness, abuse of alcohol/drugs, gayness as choice and, of course, the biggest whopper of them all – that we are pedophiles. Again, NOT GREAT.

I cannot emphasize enough how harmful it is to conflate being gay with being attracted to underage boys. This is the horrible cudgel homophobes have been bashing us with since the beginning of time. Homosexuality as pedophilia. So, once more with feeling, NOT GREAT.

Kevin Spacey’s relationship with the gay community has been a bumpy one over the years, mostly because he kept denying he was one of us. First was the now infamous “Kevin Spacey Has a Secret” Esquire article in 1997 that hinted at his gayness just as his star was on the rise. Then, I vividly remember his very adamant denials of said gayness in a Playboy article in 1999, the year he won the Oscar for “American Beauty.” In it he flat-out said “is not true. It's a lie.” And he also bragged that being perceived as gay was helping him bag chicks. No, I am not kidding.
“There are a few women who think the article might be true. For them, it's a challenge. They want to be the ones to turn me around.

[And] I let them.”
Gross, Kevin Spacey. Gross. But not nearly as gross, not to mention fucking criminal, as sexually assaulting a 14-year-old. Let me repeat, for the people in the back, being gay is not the same as being a pedophile – period. Don’t let Kevin Spacey confused you on this. Separate, not the same.

This issue of powerful men (and just men in general) sexually assaulting, harassing and abusing women and men is not one that is going away. But I find hope in more brave victims and survivors coming forward to tell their truths and to finally show this ugliness for what it is. Only with light will we drive out this despicable darkness. Now, wouldn’t that be great?

p.s. Man, am I so fucking glad I never started watching “House of Cards.”

Thursday, October 26, 2017

The Good Reel

Look, I know I beg you guys a lot to watch “The Good Place.” Which you should, you 100 percent absolutely should. And from the beginning. Don’t jump in midway and/or read spoilers because being surprised by this consistently surprising (in a forking great way) show it a major part of its charm. Anyway, I bring this up because here is part of the gag reel from Season 1 that was just released (don’t worry, they aren’t spoilery).

But what they do is reinforce my favorite stealth ship, Eleanor and Tahani. Yes, they’ve more than hinted at Eleanor genuinely being into Tahani. And yes, Tahani actress Jameela Jamil‏ has actively rooted for the ship on multiple occasions on Twitter. All I need to know is whether they have a portmanteau yet. Elhani? Taleanor? Shell-Al? Al-Strop?

“The Good Place” airs at 8:30 p.m. Thursdays, but, again – watch it from the beginning. Have I mentioned it’s on Netflix? Have I mentioned you should watch it?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

House of Hot Damn

Holy and Crap. Look, I warned everyone about the dangers of sleeping on Sara Ramirez this spring. Ever since she left “Grey’s Anatomy” it was easy to fall into the out of sight, out of mind trap. But *low whistle* that would have been a mistake. Because not only did she show up hot as hell in Mary Lambert’s new music video in May. Now, from seemingly out of nowhere, the bisexual star surprises us all again with a mass fainting spell felt around the queerladyverse. Like, how can you just post this without any warning, Sara? A girl needs to be sitting or at least near a soft surface before you spring something THIS INCREDIBLY GAY on her. The hair. The suit. The tie. The suspenders. The POCKET FREAKING CHAIN.

That sound you heard yesterday (after we got up off the floor) was millions of gay ladies frantically fumbling with their remote controls to set a season pass for “Madame Secretary.” On Twitter yesterday Sara revealed her character on the hit series. She joins the show as a series regular, playing Kat Sandoval, “a brilliant political strategist, legendary in D.C. for her talent and for abruptly dropping out of politics until Elizabeth (the Madame Secretary of the title played by Tea Leoni) manages to coax her back into the State Department.”

Make that a brilliant, super gay, political strategies with a legendary alternative lifestyle haircut and have we mentioned the POCKET FREAKING CHAIN? Forget “House of Cards,” this is the House of Hot Damn.

Right, so “Madame Secretary” airs at 10 p.m. Sundays and Sara starts on the show Nov. 19. Saved you from having to search. Which means more time for swooning. You’re welcome.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Make It So

Kittens, why hasn’t the movie where Gina Rodriguez and Tessa Thompson play girlfriends been made yet? I leave for a while, a genius idea gets pitched, I expect to return to results. And, look, they’re both on board. Get moving, Hollywood. Look, I realize removing and/or pretending to remove the sexual predators from your ranks is time consuming. But this is a priority. Can’t we have this ONE NICE THING?

p.s. Speaking of one nice things, Gina’s undercut for the film “Annihilation” is *indecipherable low moaning sound*

p.p.s. “Annihilation” better not be a film where all the strong brown and black characters get eaten/destroyed/whatevered by the formless alien rainbow shiny thingie or imma be mad.

p.p.p.s. But, to reiterate, not about Gina’s undercut. It get it always.

Monday, October 23, 2017

No Bull

Well, there’s a first time for everything. Like the first time a hamburger PSA totally didn’t make me cry a little. But, cough, the opposite. Something was in my eye, OK? Feelings and whatnot. So, you know, thanks Burger King. And special shout out to the tiny lesbian (and one cool dude) who stepped in when so many others did not. And since I know you are wondering, the tiny lesbian in question is none other than out filmmaker and actress Fawzia Mirza.

She also confirmed that, indeed, she was a real customer and not paid to be part of the PSA. Just, you know, a good person.

Friday, October 20, 2017

My Weekend Crush

You know what, I don’t post enough Samantha Bee. I should really, really post more Samantha Bee. And, to make up for it, here is a PSA from Samantha Bee. Yo, cis dudes, this one’s for you. Happy weekend, everyperson who has never shown another human being their dick unsolicited.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Gender Fuck Thursday: Julie Andrews Edition

So while I was on vacation I missed Julie Andrew’s 82nd birthday. This is, of course, an unforgiveable sin. So to make up for it may I remind you that few female Hollywood stars dress in drag better than Dame Julie Andrews. In fact, I’d say only the incomparable Dietrich fills out a tuxedo better, and that’s just by a smidge. So happy belated birthday, Julie Andrews. You’ll always be the queen of everything in my book.

p.s. In case you want to involuntarily (but consensually, so so consensually) lose your pants, please enjoy this gifset.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The One Where Ross Invents San Junipero

Hey, did you know Ross Gellar could predict the future? Or that Ross Gellar understood exactly what lesbian heaven looked like? Or that Ross Gellar essentially wrote the plot of “San Junipero?” Neither did I. But then, I guess it’s nice to know he is good for more than talking about dinosaurs, whining that “We were on a break,” and screaming “Pivot!

p.s. If you have not watched the “San Junipero” episode of “Black Mirror” a) don’t watch this video and b) what is wrong with you?

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

The Truth Is Gillian

Hello. This is Gillian Anderson. Look at her. Look at Gillian Anderson. Gillian Anderson is the only reason I am still watching “The X-Files.” I really don’t want to still be watching “The X-Files.” Last year the return of the series, after 14 years off the air, was – to be charitable – bad. It was bad. But look at Gillian Anderson. Now consider not looking at Gillian Anderson. Yeah, I’m going to keep looking at Gillian Anderson.

p.s. Thank heavens I can also watch her in an actually good show as well. When does “American Gods” return again?

Monday, October 16, 2017

Listen To 'Em

As the Harvey Weinstein sexual abuse revelations continue to grow in number and horror, it’s important to not feel defeated. Yes, a rich, powerful man got away with sexually harassing, assaulting and – let’s be perfectly frank – raping women for decades. And as much as we can despair that this is just the way the world will always be, it is imperative that we push back against this false prophecy. No, men aren’t genetically hard-wired to objectify and abuse women. This is something they’ve been taught, something that society has ingrained in them as their right. But here’s the thing – it isn’t. And it’s up to us to make sure it isn’t. Every woman, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN, has experience with creepy men. And almost every woman has had experience with sexual harassment, abuse and assault.

So how do we stop it. Well, for one, listen to women. Listen to us when we say, “Hey, that guy is creepy.” Listen to us when we say, “That man acted inappropriately.” Listen to us when we say, “This man is a sexual predator.” Listen to us when we say, “No.” Listen to women and believe women.

And right now, and really always, one of the smartest women to listen to is Emma Thompson. I’ve always loved Emma Thompson. Always, always, always always. I howled, like literally howled, when Emma was among the esteemed artists to sign the letter of support for Roman Polanski. And then I cheered, dear heavens did I cheer, when she rethought her position and removed her name with apologies. This is one of the most clear-headed conversations on the corrosive culture of female objectification and toxic masculinity I’ve heard in a while.

Now this is not to say Emma’s is the only or the best voice to speak out about sexual abuse and harassment. In fact she acknowledges as much, saying women of color have it much harder and owning up to her own past mistakes and privilege (re: Polanski). But this, this kind of unabashed and straightforward truthfulness is what we need on an issue that for far too long has been swept under the rug as just part of business as usual. This is what happens when you put men and women in a workplace/the public/any shared space/the universe together, right? No, fuck that.

And while we’re at it, fuck Harvey Weinstein. Fuck Roman Polanski. Fuck Woody Allen. Fuck Bill O’Reilly. Fuck Bill Cosby. And fuck Donald Fucking Trump. Fuck all male predators. May women like Emma Thompson and the rest of us be the meteor racing toward all these dinosaurs spelling their imminent and total extinction.

Friday, October 13, 2017

My Weekend Rage

It really isn’t that hard to be a decent human being. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be that hard. Treat people with respect. Be kind whenever possible. Help those less fortunate. Fight for justice for all. Stand up against those who oppress, demean or exploit others. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, maybe floss.

Sadly it comes as no surprise that people do not always do these things – let alone the flossing. And it will come as even less of a surprise that men can be trash. Yes, yes, I know – there goes another man-hating lesbian on a rant about hating men.

In the wake of the revelations about film honco Harvey Weinstein’s horrific, decades-long sexual abuse and assault of women, it’s beyond time to ask ourselves why men do these things to women. Why do men feel entitled to violate women’s bodies in this way? Because they always have? Because they always can?

Rape culture is real, and causes real harm. These aren’t just a few “old dinosaurs” learning to navigate the new, confusing mores of the modern world. This is deeply ingrained belief that women and our bodies are made primarily for male consumption and satisfaction. That it is therefore normal for men to aggressively assert themselves over women. Consent is for pussies, amirite? And, anyway, women claiming to be victims of sexual violence are somehow asking for it. I mean, why did she wear that? What did she think going up to his room? Don’t they know that’s how the world works? Or, conversely, why didn’t women come forward sooner to stop it. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Just fucking damned.

But it’s not normal, none of this is normal, and we should fight this toxic culture at every turn. The men, particularly powerful men, who feel they hold dominion over women’s bodies must be unequivocally purged from public life. The Harvey Weinsteins. The Bill Cosbys. The Roger Aileses. The Bill O’Reillys. The Donald Fucking Trumps.

It really isn’t that hard to be a decent human being. Don’t sexually harass women (or anyone). Don’t invite us to your hotel room for a business meeting and greet us in nothing but a bathrobe and then demand a naked massage. Don’t pop into our dressing rooms uninvited. Don’t jerk off into a potted plant in front of us. Don’t grab us by the pussy. Don’t tell us we’ll love your dick. Don’t send us unsolicited pictures of your dick. Really don’t do anything with your dick in a professional setting, ever. Don’t, and I can’t stress this enough, rape anyone. Seems crazy to have to say it, but here we are.

Be a decent human being. Teach young and old men to be decent human beings. Believe women, support women. It’s the only decent thing to do. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Paradise Island

Kittens, I’m back! While I was away Gal Gadot kissed Kate McKinnon. That’s right, Holtzmann and Wonder Woman totally made out. Yes, everything is garbage or on fire or a garbage fire this year, but at least we have this one good thing.

p.s. I don’t care what those Amazons say, this lesbian would gladly paddle to Themyscira to make sure myself.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Vacation Vixen: Hillary Clinton/America Ferrera

Imagine how much better you’d feel right now if these two women were having this conversation at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue instead.

Friday, October 06, 2017

Vacation Vixen: Edie Windsor

May I be even half as courageous, half as vibrant, half as amazing as this woman was throughout her life. Heck, even a fraction.

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Vacation Vixen: Liza Minnelli

Leave it to Liza with a Z to give fantastic Gender Fuck Thursday. Though, would you expect any less?

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Vacation Vixen: Gugu Mbatha-Raw

I’m so terribly pleased that Gugu Mbatha-Raw is having her moment. Certainly, she has done very good work before “San Junipero” (“Belle,” “Beyond the Lights”). But now with “A Wrinkle in Time” and the new “Cloverfield” movie coming up she seems poised for a moment. See, lesbianism works. p.s. Also, I’ve been doing a slow binge of all of the reboot of “Doctor Who” and was tickled to find she’s Martha’s sister.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Monday, October 02, 2017

Vacation Vixen: Oprah, Carol Burnett, Dolly Parton & Julie Andrews

Name a more iconic quartet, I’ll wait. (And, obviously, I’m on vacation right now and will be for the next week and change. But, obviously, I’ll leave you Vacation Vixens to enjoy in my stead. Though, obviously, they can’t all be as mind-blowingly awesome as this one.)

Friday, September 29, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Kate. Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate. You know you’ve made it when you get the full Annie Leibovitz Vanity Fair treatment. Of course, we knew our Kate back when she was a mere lass on “The Big Gay Sketch Show” and hanging out doing Big Gay Vlogs on the old (RIP) AfterEllen. But now, here she is, being all circus master-y, Katharine Hepburn-y, denim country girl-y and awkwardly carefree vixen on the beach-y. Also, some weird Pagliacci in a bikini top – for some reason.

I can’t say much about the 4,000-word profile (that includes only six, yes SIX, quotes from McKinnon herself). But Kate, lady, you made it. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

The Begging Place

Kittens, are you watching “The Good Place?” Please, please (please, please, please) watch “The Good Place.” Season 2 has started (and if you missed Season 1 you can binge it on Netflix, do it now why are you still reading, do it). But I really, really (really, really, really) want this show to keep going. I don’t ask for much (well, other than the destruction of the patriarchy and more women to wear tank tops), but I am asking you to give this crazy show a try. And if you have already been giving it a try and, like me, watched the whole first season right up to that last motherforking episode in totally, blissed out hilarity (and complete shock), this next clip is for you.

If you have not watched the first season, I also cannot stress this enough. DO NOT WATCH THE CLIP BELOW. DO NOT WATCH IT DO NOT WATCH IT. DO NOT WATCH IT. It will ruin the entire series for you and I want your life to be filled with only happiness and sunshine interspersed with kittens and puppies who come to visit for pets and snuggles. So are we clear on my requests here? Watch “The Good Place.” Don’t watch the video below if you haven’t watched “The Good Place.” See? Simple.

p.s. Kristen Bell shot this video and kept it for the past year because apparently only she and Ted Danson had been clued in on the finale’s ending which is some crazy ass shirt.

p.p.s. “The Good Place” airs at 8:30 tonight on NBC so now you know what to do.

p.p.p.s. It is on between “Superstore,” which you should also watch, and “Will & Grace” which, duh, I know you’re gonna watch. So come on, give it a try. (But again, not that embedded video about the finale which you should only watch if you’ve watched Season 1. Shoot, is this getting confusing again?)

p.p.p.p.s. Right, let’s make it simple. Probably just turn on your TV and watch NBC tonight. (Also, to clear up any lingering confusion, this is not a paid ad because I don’t do those, as my bank account will attest.)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Masters of the Time of Your Life

Guys, I know I usually (basically always) post about the ladies. But this U.K. ad for, of all things, a supermarket chain price comparison website is so weird and so wonderful and also so weirdly wonderfully gay I just had to share. Hope it makes your Wednesday bright. Have the time of your life the rest of this week like He-Man and Skeletor.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Only Yourselves to Thank

Man, I miss me some Julia Sugarbaker sometimes. Like, goodness, we could have used her in the 2016 election. And, my word, you just know in 2017 she would be averaging about 2.5 Terminator rants a week – at minimum. Whenever I’m feeling a little low about the state of affairs (like, you know, about having a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, narcissistic, thin-skinned, money-grubbing moron as president), I think of metaphorically burning it all down with a classic Julia Sugarbaker takedown. And for my money none, not even the “The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia” one, can top this. I recommend playing it for yourself at least once a year, and probably more. Ah, now don’t you feel rejuvenated and ready to take down the patriarchy again?

p.s. In case you were wondering, fear not, The Julia also made her thoughts on The Donald perfectly clear. Somewhere in TV heaven you just know Julia Sugarbaker and Dorothy Zbornak are having a field day trading their best Trump insults back and forth.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Double Lesbians, Double Fun(damental Rights)

Hey, you like lesbians, right? And you like laughing, right? And you like lesbians who are funny (not to be redundant, as many, many of us are very, very funny – all of you included) and make you laugh (but in a good way), right? Well then don’t miss your chance to catch Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher on their cross-country Back to Back Tour. Yes, that’s two lesbians comics for the price of one. Such a deal! (For a free sample of said deal, please enjoy the video above.)

The very funny married ladies started their tour last week and I had the privilege of catching their show over the weekend. And it is my professional opinion as a person who writes her opinions professionally on The Internet that it was really great (imagine a Tony the Tiger voices here for emphasis). Yes, of course it was funny, but it was also socially conscience in a way that makes you feel less crazy about the world. And feeling less crazy about the world in the Age of Trump is no small thing. This isn’t to say they normalized all or any of the terrible, horrible, very bad, no good things that are happening. Not at all. Instead it was kind of like a ballroom-sized therapy session (lesbians processing en masse, you don’t say).

Like if you’re casually scrolling through your Twitter feed and suddenly the man we inexplicably call president posts something else about how much he loves the flag even though you know if someone told him he had to burn down a forest of American flags to clear land to build another stupid hotel with his name on it he’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. And you feel that familiar pressure in your chest and pounding in your temple like, THIS IS NOT NORMAL, WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING, HOW DO WE MAKE IT STOP.

Well they expressed that in a way that was a) funny and b) made you feel less alone. So many of us (well, except those people in the red hats and the white polos and the khaki pants…) feel like we’re going insane because of how insane our government is right now. But it feels good to be around a large group of people who are like, yes, I too believe things are completely fucked up. Laughing is healthy – and necessary – to stay sane. And so is action and acknowledging our role in doing whatever we can to make things better and support those who are the most hurt by this cruel and hateful administration. And all the better if two short-haired (Cameron cut off her side mullet – it was big gay news) are the ones reminding us of this, but in a funny way. Their show was proof positive that The Resistance can be entertaining as hell.

p.s. Naturally, Cameron and Rhea took a knee before their show. I don’t play football or have a comedy tour, so I took a knee before vacuuming the house yesterday. You know, same diff.

p.p.s. I was not paid to say any of this, I bought my ticket like Tom Price and Steve Mnuchin would never do. Though, full disclosure, both Cameron and Rhea now follow me on Twitter, so it’s kind of like we’re BFFs.

Friday, September 22, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Should we just rename it Carolflix? “Carol” has officially come to Netflix this week. So if some inconceivable reason you have not watched the best lesbian romance to ever grace the big screen, small screen or smartphone screen – seriously, what is wrong with you? Regardless, here is your chance to catch it for the first time, or – if you’re like me – watch it again (and again and again and again and again) with the same wonder as the first time. Happy weekend, dearest.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Our Wild and Precious Lives

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

This quote by the poet Mary Oliver is equal parts call to joy and call to action. And if that’s the only thing you take away from Edie Windsor’s life and death it is still really quite a thing. Last Friday the memorial service for the LGBT rights hero was held in New York. And, wouldn’t you know it, the woman who actually won the popular vote made a surprise appearance to give a eulogy. Meanwhile the man we inexplicably call president has yet to even mention her passing at all. But, hey, he found the time to tweet about the Emmy ratings, so there’s that. When you have the time today, or in the next few days or whenever you can, I highly recommend you listen to Hillary beautifully memorialize Edie. Two great women, two determined women, two women who have left an indelible impact on this nation. And, yes, I know – Hillary isn’t perfect which everyone somehow feels the need to point out every single time her name is mentioned even though literally no one on fucking Earth is perfect. So, with Mary Oliver’s words ringing in my ears and Edie’s courage warming my heart, I vow to quit apologizing for complex women from here on out. And I vow to never postpone joy. Thank you, Hillary and Edie.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Crofting New Heroes

Right, so let’s get into this new “Tomb Raider” trailer. When the reboot of the action franchise was announced I was a big, “M’k. I guess.” I also thought Alicia Vikander was a tad slight to fill Angelina Jolie’s combat boots. But then I saw her abs and I was like, “K. Give it a chance.” And now that I’ve seen the first trailer I’m like, “OK. Imma probably see this.”

It’s not necessarily that seeing Alicia Katniss Everdeening her way through the jungle in a tank top has sold me. I mean, it’s not terrible. This looks like your pretty standard action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline. But with one, make that two, very important differences that make it not standard in the least. One, of course, is that it is an action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline centered around a female lead. This is Lara Croft’s story, yet Lara Croft is among only a handful of female action hero franchises to make it to the big screen – period. Ripley from “Aliens,” Sarah from “Terminator,” Selene from “Underworld,” Alice from “Resident Evil,” Katniss from “Hunger Games,” Rey from “Star Wars” and Furiosa from “Mad Max” (dear movie gods, please, more Furiosa, please…), deserve more sisters. So if we want more of them, we should support the ones we have.

And, on secondary note, it’s nice to see her male sidekick (secondary hero?) is an Asian actor. Not too many of those in major American film franchises either. Create a more diverse array of heroes, create more interesting array of stories – period.

So bring on the new Lara Croft. Long may she run, jump, punch, kick, shoot, swing and reign at the box office. And may many, many, many, many more ladies who do the same come behind her.

p.s. I’ve included a little video of Alicia Vikander training to get into Lara Croft fighting shape. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ahem.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

To be honest, at this year’s Emmys there were so many Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the Emmys we hardly need a Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Plus we’ve got Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals With Gay Gals. Hell, at this point it’s just one big gay jumbles and I’m here for all of it. Though, if any of this smorgasbord of sexuality is causing any lingering confusion, please allow me to clear things up.

SGALGG: Mackenzie Davis & Gugu Mbatha-Raw

San Junipero forever (like, literally, forever).

GGALGG: Lena Waithe & Alana Mayo

Thanking your girlfriend in your Emmy speech is like 1 million Girlfriend Points, no?

SGALGGWGG: Sarah Paulson & Thandie Newton

No one tell Holland.

GGALGG: Samira Wiley & Lauren Morelli

Happily married photogenic couple is happily married and photogenic.

SGALGGWGG: Samira Wiley & Oprah

No one tell Gayle.

SGALGG: Anna Chlumsky & Ellie Kemper

My Girl is Unbreakable. Sorry, they can’t all be winners.

GGALGG: Evan Rachel Wood

I lied. Evan Rachel Wood and her vests can always be a winner.

SGALGG: Zoe Kravitz & Tessa Thompson

Unfortunately, rainbow dresses don’t actually make you gay – yet.

GGALGG: Kate McKinnon

Gay Lady World Domination Tour starts here.

SGALGGWGG: Kate McKinnon & Nicole Kidman

I see Kate’s already attracting tour groupies.

SGALGG: Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern & Zoe Kravitz

I may or may not have cropped Shailene Woodley out because she had the gall to brag about not owning or watching television on the red carpet of a television award show where she was nominated for acting on a television show to a reporter broadcasting it on a television show. Also I’m pretty sure she voted for Jill Stein.

SGALGGWGG: Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton & Jane Fonda

Legends only.