Thursday, September 21, 2017

Our Wild and Precious Lives

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

This quote by the poet Mary Oliver is equal parts call to joy and call to action. And if that’s the only thing you take away from Edie Windsor’s life and death it is still really quite a thing. Last Friday the memorial service for the LGBT rights hero was held in New York. And, wouldn’t you know it, the woman who actually won the popular vote made a surprise appearance to give a eulogy. Meanwhile the man we inexplicably call president has yet to even mention her passing at all. But, hey, he found the time to tweet about the Emmy ratings, so there’s that. When you have the time today, or in the next few days or whenever you can, I highly recommend you listen to Hillary beautifully memorialize Edie. Two great women, two determined women, two women who have left an indelible impact on this nation. And, yes, I know – Hillary isn’t perfect which everyone somehow feels the need to point out every single time her name is mentioned even though literally no one on fucking Earth is perfect. So, with Mary Oliver’s words ringing in my ears and Edie’s courage warming my heart, I vow to quit apologizing for complex women from here on out. And I vow to never postpone joy. Thank you, Hillary and Edie.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Crofting New Heroes

Right, so let’s get into this new “Tomb Raider” trailer. When the reboot of the action franchise was announced I was a big, “M’k. I guess.” I also thought Alicia Vikander was a tad slight to fill Angelina Jolie’s combat boots. But then I saw her abs and I was like, “K. Give it a chance.” And now that I’ve seen the first trailer I’m like, “OK. Imma probably see this.”

It’s not necessarily that seeing Alicia Katniss Everdeening her way through the jungle in a tank top has sold me. I mean, it’s not terrible. This looks like your pretty standard action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline. But with one, make that two, very important differences that make it not standard in the least. One, of course, is that it is an action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline centered around a female lead. This is Lara Croft’s story, yet Lara Croft is among only a handful of female action hero franchises to make it to the big screen – period. Ripley from “Aliens,” Sarah from “Terminator,” Selene from “Underworld,” Alice from “Resident Evil,” Katniss from “Hunger Games,” Rey from “Star Wars” and Furiosa from “Mad Max” (dear movie gods, please, more Furiosa, please…), deserve more sisters. So if we want more of them, we should support the ones we have.

And, on secondary note, it’s nice to see her male sidekick (secondary hero?) is an Asian actor. Not too many of those in major American film franchises either. Create a more diverse array of heroes, create more interesting array of stories – period.

So bring on the new Lara Croft. Long may she run, jump, punch, kick, shoot, swing and reign at the box office. And may many, many, many, many more ladies who do the same come behind her.

p.s. I’ve included a little video of Alicia Vikander training to get into Lara Croft fighting shape. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ahem.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

To be honest, at this year’s Emmys there were so many Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the Emmys we hardly need a Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Plus we’ve got Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals With Gay Gals. Hell, at this point it’s just one big gay jumbles and I’m here for all of it. Though, if any of this smorgasbord of sexuality is causing any lingering confusion, please allow me to clear things up.

SGALGG: Mackenzie Davis & Gugu Mbatha-Raw

San Junipero forever (like, literally, forever).

GGALGG: Lena Waithe & Alana Mayo

Thanking your girlfriend in your Emmy speech is like 1 million Girlfriend Points, no?

SGALGGWGG: Sarah Paulson & Thandie Newton

No one tell Holland.

GGALGG: Samira Wiley & Lauren Morelli

Happily married photogenic couple is happily married and photogenic.

SGALGGWGG: Samira Wiley & Oprah

No one tell Gayle.

SGALGG: Anna Chlumsky & Ellie Kemper

My Girl is Unbreakable. Sorry, they can’t all be winners.

GGALGG: Evan Rachel Wood

I lied. Evan Rachel Wood and her vests can always be a winner.

SGALGG: Zoe Kravitz & Tessa Thompson

Unfortunately, rainbow dresses don’t actually make you gay – yet.

GGALGG: Kate McKinnon

Gay Lady World Domination Tour starts here.

SGALGGWGG: Kate McKinnon & Nicole Kidman

I see Kate’s already attracting tour groupies.

SGALGG: Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern & Zoe Kravitz

I may or may not have cropped Shailene Woodley out because she had the gall to brag about not owning or watching television on the red carpet of a television award show where she was nominated for acting on a television show to a reporter broadcasting it on a television show. Also I’m pretty sure she voted for Jill Stein.

SGALGGWGG: Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton & Jane Fonda

Legends only.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Emmys Loves the Gay Ladies

Well, now that didn’t suck. The Emmys were an unmistakable win for us gay ladies. San Junipero. Kate McKinnon. Lena Waithe. The Handmaid’s Tale. It was like lesbian Christmas and New Year’s rolled up into one very well-dressed night. So let’s go through our big wins one by one.

San Junipero

I was shocked – in the best possible way – that my favorite episode of television in the past year (and perhaps in the past several years) not only earned the recognition it did but actually won. Twice. This unusual show, this singular episode, this tale of eternal love and this redefinition of a happy ending. This totally and completely gay romance won for both Outstanding Television Movie and for Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series, Movie, or Dramatic Special. Twice. It won twice. Heaven is a place called Emmys.

Kate McKinnon

Kate the Great takes home her second straight Emmy win for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. And even though it all went wrong and were robbed of four more years of her playing Hillary Clinton on SNL, she did her best. And in her acceptance she also said, “on a very personal note I want to say thank you to Hillary Clinton for your grace and grit.” Now the only question left to answer is who was the short-haired lady sitting next to her at the Emmys?

Lena Waithe

Lena become the first black woman to win for writing for a comedy series. The out queer writer took home the trophy for the “Thanksgiving” episode of “Master of None” along with show creator Aziz Ansari. And in her acceptance she said, “And last, but certainly not least, my LGBTQIA family. I see each and every one of you. The things that make us different, those are our super powers. Every day, when you walk out the door and put on your imaginary cape and go out there and conquer the world — because the world would not be as beautiful as it is if we weren’t in it.” Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear dapper-ass shiny suits.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Granted, while it’s not an exclusively gay story (though it does have two prominent lesbian characters, one played by an out queer woman) “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a searing indictment of our worst human inclinations. But the the most disturbing part of this dystopian world ruled by an authoritarian government that strictly controls women’s bodies in the name of some conservative moral zealotry doesn’t feel all that fictional in this day and age.

Other Emmy 2017 highlights: First South Asian man to win an acting Emmy (Riz Ahmed for “The Night Of”), first black person to win an Emmy for comedy directing (Donald Glover for “Atlanta”), the first black actor to win for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy since 1985 (Also Donald Glover for “Atlanta”), first black actor to win Outstanding Lead Actor in a Dram since 1998 (Sterling K. Brown for “This Is Us”), and first woman to win Outstanding Director in a Drama since 1995 (Reed Morano for “The Handmaid’s Tale”). Three cheers for inclusiveness, three cheers for gayness.

p.s. The one thing about the Emmys that definitely did suck was the “Aw, Shucks” treatment of Sean Spicer. He was paid to lie to the American people every.single.day for a racist, sexist, xenophobic bigot. He does not get to fail up and redeem himself on national television. Nope to that bullshit forever.

Friday, September 15, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Sorry, again, to keep sharing videos from that hair tousle, but it’s not too often you get not only one but two lesbian guests on late night television. So here is Tig Notaro and Sarah Paulson kind of cracking each other up. Just pretend Jimmy’s not there, I know I do. And feel free to steal these party bits. As an natural introvert I appreciate any help at large social gatherings I can get. The dog one in particular seems like a great way to meet other lesbians – though you might want to switch it to a cat, depending on the crowd. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Spit Take

Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams Have Incredible Sex in Disobedience

Well, hello – now there’s a headline. It’s almost enough to set the Lesbian Bat Signal up to “Carol” levels of anticipation. I’ve written about their new film “Disobedience” before. The pair play childhood friends from an Orthodox Jewish community who rekindle their illicit relationship as adults. And now that it has premiered at Toronto the reviews have started to come in, and they’re good. And then there’s that headline, which certainly makes every gay gal I know want to click the link. If you don’t want spoilers for the plot, stop reading now. If you want to know what qualifies as “incredible sex,” read on:

Apparently the two women (Rachel Weisz as Ronit, a photographer who has left her conservative upbringing to live in New York, and Rachel McAdams as Esti, a schoolteacher who remains in the orthodox community and is married to a man), finally hook up in a hotel where the “mind-blowing meeting of the Rachels can finally be released.” And I quote:

The two drink each other in again, but this time with unhindered relish, McAdams’s Esti groaning as Weisz’s Ronit undoes the crotch of her bodysuit with her teeth, Esti searching every contour of Ronit’s mouth with her tongue, then the ecstasy as they each reach inside the other’s underpants. They are simultaneously ravenous and exquisitely thorough. Though the moment almost everyone will be talking about will be when Weisz straddles McAdams and gently spits into her mouth, as McAdams eagerly receives it and asks for more, and more again.
Yeah, I know. It was all going so well until the whole “spits into her mouth” thing. Seriously, spits into her mouth? What? No. More and more again? No, again no. Is this some hot new lesbian trend I just don’t understand? Because imma NOPE out of that right quick.

I hope, sincerely, that it’s something less gross than actual just spitting into each other’s mouth. That this is some kind of failure to properly describe an erotic act on the author’s part. The writer also calls the scene as “sexy and gorgeous,” which I have never associated with the word “spit” in my entire life. So, yeah. The scene is then also described as “a tad male-gaze-y” which, come on guys. Can’t lesbians have one thing? And can that one thing please not involve spitting?

But, then it redeems itself somewhat by saying:
“Most of all, though, it’s moving, and very different from the coming-of-age lesbian scenes of ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ and ‘The Handmaiden.’ Here are two grown women who’ve done this before and are well past the discovery phase. Their only desire is to give pleasure to and receive it from one another, and they’ve been stymied for so long by circumstances…”
Yeah, that’s more like it. That I like. That gets me cranking up the old Lesbian Bat Signal again. Just, you know, keep the spit to yourselves, please.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Rest In Pride

If you ever doubt that one person can change the world, think of Edie Windsor. One singular woman, one timeless love, one righteous fight. They all came together in Edie, who undeniably changed the world for the better. Her death yesterday at age 88 is a reminder that no matter how small and helpless we feel, we should never doubt our power to do what is right. Hers was an unlikely journey to LGBT rights hero and icon. You might not think an octogenarian who had lived a quiet and loved life with her wife, Thea Spyer, for four decades would make history. But when Thea died in 2009 and the government refused to recognize their union (to the tune of a hefty six-figure federal tax bill), she fought back. For Thea, for all of us. And, wouldn’t you know it, she won. Edie slayed the Goliath. In 2013 the United States Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional in 2013 (United Sates v. Windsor). And that paved the way two years later in 2015 for the Supreme Court’s to declare same-sex marriage legal across the entire United States (Obergefell v. Hodges). Upon her passing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were among the outpouring of people offering words of condolences and homages to her place in history. Love, indeed, trumps hate. And love, like that between Edie and Thea where you dance a hole into your stocking together the first night you meet, can truly change the world. Thank you, Edie. Thank you from the bottom of our big gay hearts forever.

p.s. Hey, here is an idea, replace all Confederate monuments with a statue of Edie just like this. For one, she actually won her war. And for another, she actually made America greater. Radical idea, I know.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Your Best Paulson

Sarah Paulson continues to be an endless delight and someone we all wish was our lesbian BFF (no offense to my real lesbian BFF, but she is better at impressions that you – that’s a fact). I’m always so pleased when she has a new project coming out (even though I still feel very “Too Soon” about “American Horror Story: Cult” and its Election 2016 overtones). But I am pleased because that will mean more talk show appearances. Here she is slaying (naturally) her impressions. The Holly Hunter and the sunflower seeds thing almost made me spit out my drink. (I know, I know – I still have a hard time watching Jimmy because of the whole hair tousling/enabling a monster/our next president thing). But stick it out for Sarah because it’s worth it.

Also, here is Sarah explaining that amazing fangirling red carpet photo. Like I said, excellent lesbian BFF material.

Monday, September 11, 2017

We Got Weather

We have had some, shall we say, inclement weather here in the United States. Hurricanes, floods, wildfires. My thoughts, of course, are with all those who lost loved ones, their homes, their worldly possessions and all else the full force of our climate run amok has taken from them. (Also, dude, climate change is so fucking real.) So with all due respect to the insane power of Mother Nature, here is the most ridiculously insane scene from the weather disaster classic “Twister.” It’s also an early Tank Top Tuesday, because I’m sure Helen Hunt in that white tank is more than a few of your roots. We’ve got cows, kittens.

Friday, September 08, 2017

My Weekend Crush

One of my favorite things continues to be seeing “Game of Thrones” characters in costume while using modern contraptions. I particularly like anything to so with Cersei Lannister acting very un-Cersei Lannister-y. Like, sure she almost killed her brother/incest lover, is double-crossing Daenery Targaryen and doesn’t give a shit if White Walkers kill every last living soul in Westeros. She’s still Lena Headey/the most adorable lesbian florist in the world to me. I mean, look at that tongue. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Magic Lesbians Bus

The lesbians are in your children’s TV, making everything more magical. I was a little too old (cough, a lot too old, cough) to have watched “The Magic School Bus.” I was more of a “3-2-1 Contact” girl, myself. But I’m all for educational television voiced by lesbians. And now that they are rebooting it on Netflix there are not one, but two lesbian voices. Lily Tomlin, who voiced the original Ms. Fizzles and will return now as Prof. Fizzles, and Kate McKinnon, who will play Fiona Felicity Frizzle her sister. As an added coolness bonus, the new theme for “The Magic School Bus Rides Again” is sung by none other than Hamilton’s Lin-Manuel Miranda. The original theme for the old series was sung by none other than Little Richard. Damn, now I feel like I missed out. Well, at least I get another shot. Hey, it’s educational.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Great British Eat It

So I guess the “Great British Bake-Off” has made its Channel 4 debut. And while normally the start of a new season of my favorite televised Xanax would fill me with joy and soothing shots of the British countryside, whatever has returned can never hold candle to what was. This new Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc-less incarnation just makes me sad. No one gives a fart about Paul Hollywood, and you know it. Mary, Sue and Mel were the show. Well, that and all the overly polite and totally lovely British folks reacting to their disastrous bakes. But, for real, Mary, Mel and Sue, forever. Particularly Mary saying something a little, um, saucy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

I Just Called To Say...

Kittens, today marks the year anniversary of the end of “Rizzoli & Isles.” And, yeah, I still miss that show and its crazy, insane, totally gay chemistry. No, the cases didn’t make sense. No, the police procedure wasn’t right. No, I have no idea why didn’t just give in and make Jane and Maura a couple. But despite it all it was still ridiculously fun chronicling seven years worth of Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, Eye Sex, Ponytails of Righteous Justice, Aviators of Sexy Justice, Adorable Bickersons and, of course, the Synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” Phone Greetings. And, of course, we'll always gave the Subtext Recaps. Ah, the memories.

Monday, September 04, 2017

B + D = Hell Yeah

So our first “Game of Thrones”-less Sunday until after the long, dark winter has arrived. And here we are waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waaaaaaiting) for the final season. Which Targaryen – if any – will assume the Iron Throne. Which dragon – if any – will survive the inevitable battle with the Ice Dragon. Which people actually ship – if any – Jon and Dany becoming doting parents to their inevitable fire/ice incest baby. All that is fine and good, but what I really care about is what will come of Brienne of Tarth. And to that end I believe we should all listen to the wisdom of Gwendoline Christie. Who better than her to assess Brienne’s fate? No one, I say. So is it said, so shall it be.

Friday, September 01, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Yes, I know, many of our pop stars are problematic. We love (love, love) to pit them against each other. Especially if they’re women, precisely because they are women. But besides providing us with the effervescent delights to make our daily drives, work and lives just that much more fun, sometimes they’ve got some pretty wonderful messages. I’m way too old to watch the MTV Video Music Awards anymore. But I’m happy to share Pink’s Video Vanguard Award speech. Because helping more people appreciate more kinds of beauty in the world is always a good thing. Sure, another pop singer may have sung that song first. But a good thing is a good thing no matter who says it and no matter who shares it. Plus, Pink has always been one of my absolute favorites. So rock on with your bad selves, ladies. Happy beautiful weekend, all.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Otterly Tired

Ugh, sorry kittens. Chalk it up to the Dog Days of August, but I’ve been a wee bit uninspired/tired/busy and therefore behind in my postings. Again, this is my personal site that I do in my spare time, without any kind of compensation just because I love it (and love interacting with you). But sometimes, to be honest, there just isn’t a ton to write about. Pretty much all the summer shows have ended. Pretty much all the fall shows have yet to start. The summer movie season is over. The fall movie season has yet to begin. And everyone is too damn hot to do much of anything. Plus, there’s the whole impending doom because of the fascist, incompetent Hatemonger-in-Chief tweeting us into oblivion. So here is a baby otter covering its eyes until things pick up. Back at it tomorrow, kittens.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

G'day, Kate

It’s Wednesday and on Wednesdays we allow Kate McKinnon to finally make us crack a smile in this infernal “Lemon, It’s Wednesday” of a year. Last week it was her playing with puppies. This week it is her struggling mightily with her Australia accent in “Rough Night.” Look, all I’m saying is no accent is required for her to play Hillary. If only the electorate has let her keep doing that.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Tank Top Tardy

Whew, it has been a busy work week. Here is a make-ip tank top courtesy our favorite assassin/lover of Root. Enjoy.

Monday, August 28, 2017

In Search of a Good Place

You guys, so much is happening all at once and 99.95 percent of it is just so very terrible. Like, each time I think our capacity to ingest bad news has been stretched to its absolute limit, Trump goes and pardons a convicted racist and bans trans recruits from the military because LOL NOTHING MATTERS. Anyway. If you are seeking a temporary reprieve from all the very bad things, might I suggest “The Good Place.” It just started streaming on Netflix so you can chill and enjoy all you want. Plus, and this is important, we can all pin our hopes on some kind of Eleanor and Tahani hookup in the second season. Look, there has to be something to look forward to in the future. There has to.

Friday, August 25, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Guys, we made it through another week in Trump’s America. That alone is reason to celebrate. (Though, don’t think I’m not 200 percent furious that this five-time draft dodger is going ahead with his cruel and despicable plan to kick out honorable trans military service members who actually volunteered to serve this country. Because I am 300 percent furious about that.) So if you need a momentary reset on your rage, despair, fear, disgust and anxiety button, please enjoy Melissa McCarthy lip synching her heron and otter out. (Fast forward to 5:30 if you simply cannot wait and need a jolt of happy immediately.) Happy colors of the wind weekend, all.

p.s. And, yes, fast forwarding also avoid the hair tossler. So I highly recommend it.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Lesbian Horror Story

Sometimes life imitates fiction. Sometimes fiction imitates life. Sometimes Ryan Murphy sneaks into your living room and films your whole damn life. Hello, “American Horror Story: Cult.”

This season’s plot says, and I kid you not:

“Sarah Paulson plays Ally, one-half of a couple (her partner is Ivy, played Alison Pill) living in Michigan who flips out when Donald Trump wins the election.”
Same, said every lesbian everywhere.

Look, I love watching real-life lesbian Sarah Paulson play a television lesbian. And with Alison Pill, to boot. But this seems a little “too soon” for my poor heart. I don’t need to watch some poor lesbian freaking out about Trump being elected. I AM A LESBIAN WHO CONTINUES TO FREAK OUT ABOUT TRUMP BEING ELECTED. Every. Damn. Day.

So, thoughts? Also, get that damn camera out of my house, Ryan Murphy.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Puppies, puppies it must be puppies

Man, can you believe it was just one week ago the current President of the United States was defending Nazis? And two weeks ago when he was threatening to turn us all into cinder and ash? Oh, oh, and would you realize it was only the start of this week he committed us to endless war? Yeah. Trump has managed to “Lemon, it’s Wednesday” this entire year. I have no idea how we will ever get through three and a half more years of this. So here is Kate McKinnon playing with some puppies. I know it won’t fix everything, but it sure doesn’t hurt either. Happy Wednesday that now always feels like it should be Friday, kittens and puppies.

p.s. Yep, you needed this.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Tank Top Tuesday

And you thought I’d forgotten about tank tops. Never! No matter how much the darkness blots out the sun (nice eclipse you got there, shame if our idiot president were to stare directly into it…oh wait, he did?), I will never abandon the sight of beautiful women expressing their right to bare arms. So all of those without retinal damage because we believe in scientists and doctors when they tell us things, please enjoy.

Gal Gadot

I’m waiting to learn how to do the “Wonder Woman” workout. OK, fine, I’m waiting to learn how to do the first step of the “Wonder Woman” workout: Be born on an island of Amazon warriors completely devoid of men.

Danielle Brooks

Agree. And the best part of this season’s OITNB.

Katie McGrath

Ship who you want, when you want, whenever you want, SuperCorp friends.

Gillian Anderson

Vintage Gillian working on her fitness is *kisses fingertips*

Kelley O’Hara

This reminds me how much I enjoy the Women’s World Cup.

Tatiana Maslany

I miss the sestras so much.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Her Drunk Television

We’re gonna need a bigger kitchen, drunk or otherwise. Professionally Cute Lesbian Who Eats and Cooks For Our Entertainment Hannah Hart of “My Drunk Kitchen” fame has gone and got herself a TeeVee show. The YouTube star has made the leap from computer screen to television screen with her new Food Network series “I Hart Food.” It’s essentially a traveling and eating show, where she goes out and tries yummy things so, you know, right in my wheelhouse. The show debuted last week (you can watch the entire premiere episode here on YouTube, if you want to feel nostalgic for a little Harto in her natural state). And, you’ve got to admit, she had much (much, much, much, much) better hair than Guy Fieri. New episodes air Mondays, so alternative lifestyle haircut lovers and food lovers, get your TV grub on.

Friday, August 18, 2017

My Weekend Crush

I officially want “Sheet-caking is a grassroots movement!” on a t-shirt now. Look, this needs no set up or explanation. My Fake TV Wife is back and eating all of our feelings for us. This is truly one of the best and most honest laughs I’ve had since Nov. 8, 2016. Happy weekend and sheet caking, all.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

So Long Sestras

Aw man, I miss them (and by them I mean mostly Tatiana Maslany times 274) already. If you haven’t watched the finale of “Orphan Black,” cease and desist with the reading. And if you haven’t watched the series, come on now. The finale was interesting because in many ways it was so unexpected. I was bracing for the twists. I was ready for the turns. But instead of throwing one last big scary surprise at us, it went straightforward. It actually let them beat the big bad baldie (yeah, that was one hell of a wig) at the half way mark.

And then, and then they were allowed to just be. Just when we think we have “Orphan Black” figured as a fast-paced crazy science thriller, it slows down. It got quiet and reflected on what all that crazy science actually means. Questions about biology, destiny and self abounded. But what mattered most was these sestras, the connection this unparalleled sisterhood. And while, no, it wasn’t what I expected, it was lovely. And Clone Club lived happily ever after (Cophine very much included - yay gays!).

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Only One Side

This is terrible to watch. But this is also America today. And this is the same group the current President of the United States insists includes “very fine people.” No. No very fine people. Bigoted people. Hateful people. Evil people. No one should be surprised that Donald Trump is an unabashed racist – we knew that before. Fuck, some of us (cough, Hillary, cough) even tried to warn us. But we should be stunned at the moral precipice we find our country. From the first black president to this monstrous excuse for a man. There are no “many sides” when it comes to white supremacists who murder people. There is no moral equivalence between Nazis and people who protest Nazis. There is no blame to be cast on Heather Heyer or any of the others who stood up against wannabe fascists and KKK members shouting “Jews will not replace us!” and “Fuck you faggots!” And anyone who does not call it out now, anyone who looks at a crowd of torch-bearing racists and see “very fine people,” is a stain on humanity, let alone the presidency. So, yeah, watch this. Bear terrible witness to what is happening in our country and acknowledge our deeply ingrained institutional racism. And then promise to vote against Trump and all his enablers forever.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The Carol Effect

They say three makes a trend. And here we have three lesbian romances coming to our big screens. I call it the Carol Effect, this new slew of movies about ladies who love ladies is – of course – very welcome. The films are in various stages of production from the just announced to the already finished. I have no idea which will be good or even great or remotely worth passing the torch from “Carol.” But I am happy to handicap the field here, based on gloved lunch possibilities.

“Tell It to the Bees”


Just announced this week, the period drama is based on the book by the same name by Fiona Shaw. Set in 1950s small-town Britain it stars Anna Paquin as a young doctor who returns home to take over her late father’s practice who starts a relationship with a young mother, played by Holliday Grainger. A 50s lesbian romance? We are talking major glove lunch opportunities.

“Disobedience”


Completed and set to premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival in September, this film is based on a novel by the same name by Naomi Alderman and is set in present-day London. It stars Rachel Weisz as a rabbi’s daughter who returns home after her father’s death (hold up, I sense a theme) and then rekindles a relationship with her friend, played by Rachel McAdams. From set photos, they may be wearing gloves, but somehow I don’t think they’ll be ordering poached eggs over creamed spinach for lunch anytime soon.

“Vita & Virginia”


Apparently still in pre-production, this film is based on the lives and love of literary greats Virginia Woolf and author Vita Sackville-West. The writers first met each other in 1922 and they had a decade-long affair. Eva Green will play Woolf and Gemma Arterton will play Sackville-West. A love story set in the roaring 20s? Gloves lunches and flapper skirts galore!

So, which lesbian (or bisexual – I don’t know how everyone personally identifies) romance are you most excited about? And, yes, I realize these are all very white couplings. Bring a little color into your romances, Hollywood. Alas, baby steps. Still, be sure to remember to lay a fresh glove on your “Carol” alter at home in thanks of this cinematic bounty.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Always Be Punching Nazis

I dunno, guys. Maybe we need to start making Nazis the villains in movies again so certain people realize there aren’t “many sides” to Nazis.

So here we are. A nation with Nazis threatening people in the streets. A nation teetering on the brink of nuclear war with North Korea . A nation with the host of the Celebrity Apprentice in the Oval Office – that is when he isn’t playing golf at one of his many resorts. A nation that elected a man who patently refuses to denounce white supremacists as president. Yeah, this dystopia sucks. Can we have the one with the bows and the arrows? At least we had a fighting chance there.

Friday, August 11, 2017

My Weekend Crush

I can’t believe the trip is almost over. Five years, countless Tatianas and at least two smitten puppies later and “Orphan Black” is about to end. It has been a wild and wonderful trip. Still today I will find myself watching an episode and think, “Oh, not too much Alison in this one – too bad for that actress” or “Man, Cosima is really the hottest of the clones.” But, oh yeah, they’re all Tatiana Maslany. Every. Single. One. One of the best things about this show is how it has allowed a galaxy of women to command the screen – granted like 20 of them were played by Tatiana. But it’s women who drive this narrative and we care about the most (plus Felix, we love Felix). The other best thing about this series is, of course, Cophine. Whether by design or by fan pressure, “Orphan Black” became one of the very few shows on television to unbury its gays. Now, I don’t know who will make it to the very end Saturday, but I do know we’ve been given a rich, complicated, sexy relationship for five seasons between Cosima Niehaus and Delphine Cormier. May they make beautiful science together forever. Happy watching and weekend, all.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Come on Ladies Now Let's Get in Election

I know, I know. We just got done with the infernal 2016 election. But 2018 is just around the corner and our so-called president has never stopped holding campaign rallies. So, you know, why not start this coming election season off here with someone awesome instead. You may have seen Ret. Lt. Col. Amy McGrath’s campaign announcement already. Even so, it’s worth another look. Because, dang, is this lady impressive. She is the first female Marine to fly a combat mission in an F/A-18 fighter jet. And, yes, I know – we all got that ping while watching the commercial. But I guess the bomber jacket and short hair throws off our collective gaydar because that is definitely her husband and kids at the end (though, you know, there’s also a “B” in LGBT out there – just sayin’).

The one thing I can begrudgingly credit Trump with (though, of course, he had nothing to do with it happening except being a horrible garbage person), is that it has encouraged thousands upon thousands upon thousands of women to run for office. According to Emily’s List, 11,000 women have signed on since his inauguration. Though, I think a good chunk of that credit, possibly even more, should also go to Hillary. I mean, she did win by 3 millions votes, so there’s that.

Recently I also found out that one of my good childhood friends is running for congress in my home state. She was always so intelligent and so together, she is exactly the kind of person we want in government. I often marvel at the seemingly endless supply of mediocre and plain-old stupid straight white men who end up in office. People who don’t understand basic science or simple economics or have ever read the Constitution (cough, Trump, cough). Like, come on America. We can do so much better. So please, run for office, smart people. A grateful nation can’t wait to vote for you. Well, at least the Democrats can’t wait. The Republicans can’t wait to vote for more body slammers and pussy grabbers. Well, they can keep ’em. We’ve got a fighter pilot.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Kid's Stuff

Admittedly, I don’t watch a lot of kiddie TV. Which, you know, makes sense what with me being a childless lesbian and all. The only time I catch any are when I’m with my niece and nephews and brandishing my cool lesbian aunt cred. And from them I know about two characters in particular: Thomas the Tank Engine and Doc McStuffins. I know them because they’re on endlessly and I can’t tell you how much merchandise for both I’ve bought as presents over the course of their young lives.

Anyway, now that you’re thoroughly up-to-date on my knowledge of children’s programming, I’d like to commend one of those shows: “Doc McStuffins.” Over the weekend the Disney Junior series aimed at preschoolers broke ground by portraying a family with two moms. The women were voiced by out actors Wanda Sykes and Portia de Rossi. This is great on a number of levels but mostly on the level that children’s shows – despite their fantastical worlds of talking trains and toy doctor children – should still reflect the basic realities of the world we all live in. And families with two moms and two dads are a definite part of the world we live in.

It should also be noted that “Doc McStuffins” creator Chris Nee is an out lesbian and her wife are parents. She tweeted about her historic episode Sunday:


I guess us adults have a lot left to learn from kids’ stuff, after all. Though, can someone explain why Doc’s head is like 10-times bigger than the adults here? The sentient, talking toys I totally get, but disproportionate head sizes and I’m like, “Whooa, realism, please.”

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

My dracarys, myself

OK, fine, so the dracarys scene was pretty fucking amazing, too. Yes, I have to close my eyes at all the horsie deaths (like, 5,000 soldiers can be slaughters in gruesome blood-splattering ways, but cut one horse and I’m all, “Noooooooooo!). But I am absolutely going to incorporate Daenerys’ full-throated “Dracarys!” into my everyday vernacular. Like the next time some dude annoys me I’m going to just stare at them and say “Dracarys” at him under my breath. Or, you know, in a blood-curdling yell – depending on how much he pissed me off. I think all women should.



As I was saying...

Monday, August 07, 2017

And, fight!

The magnificence of Brienne of Tarth and Arya Stark sparring cannot be oversold. Like, I won’t even try. I’ll just say watch. Is it weird to ship it? Maybe I just mutually respect and admire it – like a lot.

Friday, August 04, 2017

My Weekend Crush

If you have ever felt the heart beat right out of your chest when you saw that special someone, this is for you. Happy weekend, lovebirds.

Thursday, August 03, 2017

Bitching

If we’d just listened when Tina Fey told us that “Bitches Get Stuff Done,” none of this would be happening right now. None of this picking fights with the Statue of Liberty or wholesale degradation of our democracy. Alas, eight years later and we’re still all, “Ew, a woman president?” *endless sigh that bounces back through the infinite void*

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Killer Pride

Kittens, whew. I haven’t even had a chance to watch Charlize Theron double-punch dudes in the face yet and already there’s another must-see female assassin movie on my list. Taraji P. Henson shooting to kill and doing fierce-ass push-ups? Yes please, ma’am. Look if we could just get all the bad-ass female assassins and kick-ass female superheroes together in one movie, think of the glory.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Miss Them Bad (Badly)

I can’t help it, I miss Jane and Maura. I miss them so much. “Rizzoli & Isles” was such a silly show with such spectacular chemistry and such stupendously likeable stars. I could watch all the Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, Eye Sex, Ponytails of Righteous Justices and the rest forever. I really, really could.

p.s. Oh well, at least we’ll always have The Lesbian Subtext Recaps.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Carol: The Goth Remake

Would you like to escape our current terrible reality? Of course you would, all feeling, thinking, non-Congressional Republican humans do. Then welcome to my Alternate Universe where the Goddess of Death and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo are totally dating. The newest trailer for “Thor: Ragnarok” was released recently and Cate Blanchett has only gotten MORE AWESOME as Hela, the Goddess of Death. Can I just say Carol got an upgrade.



But I think what I enjoy the most is imagining the infinite number of parallel universes where Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara are still a couple. In one universe, they’re Carol and Therese. In another they’re Hela and Lisbeth Salander.



I mean, just picture magnificent antlered Hela and her black latex lounging around the house with goth-punk hacker Lisbeth by her side. Don’t lie, you know you’d watch the hell out of “Carol” reimagined as a death metal romance. I sure would.

Friday, July 28, 2017

My Weekend Crush

I’ve never wanted to be punched in the face by someone more. Look, I’m generally a very nonviolent person. I’ve never gotten into a physical fight (sibling tussles don’t count). I’ve never even broken a bone (despite my perennial klutziness). But I would KILL to have Charlize Theron punch me. Or hip toss me. Or kick me in the throat. Charlize has really become one of the most dynamic action stars of our time. I guess it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the woman who broke out thanks to her big fight scene with Teri Hatcher in “2 Days in the Valley” should make a career out of kicking ass. I don’t know if “Atomic Blonde” will be any good when it opens today (though, hot damn, do I want it to be based on that ridiculously hot trailer). But I already know Charlize will be awesome, because she always is. Furiosa awesome? We can only hope. Happy weekend ass kicking, all.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Fuck Trump In Particular, Part Infinity

Just once in 2017 I would like to wake up and not be absolutely horrified by the state of this country. Just once in 2017 I would like to wake up and not be absolutely disgusted by the pathetic little man we have somehow allowed to assume the presidency (despite losing by 3 million votes – ahem forever). Just once in 2017 I would like to wake up and not be absolutely terrified for black, brown, foreign, immigrant, Muslim, transgender, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, poor and any other marginalized people this administration is attacking daily. Just once in 2017 I would like to wake up and not have to think about the absolute worst person in the world, Donald Fucking Trump.

But, alas, I can’t. I haven’t. I won’t. Not until this monstrous excuse for a human is removed from the presidency. I have no confidence that the GOP-controlled House or Senate will find its backbone. I have no confidence that Trump voters will find their souls. My only hope is that all the people who stayed home, all the people who thought Trump and Hillary were the same, all the people who voted for Jill Stein, all the people who listened to Susan Goddamn Sarandon might wake up. That we, the progressives and liberals and sane people of this country – who, and this cannot be emphasized enough, outnumber the small-minded and conservative – come together and do everything in our power to remove this menace from the White House.

And, guess what, your preferred candidate in 2018 or 2020 might not be The One. Your might have to compromise. You might have to vote for your second choice. You might have to accept that progress is often painfully slow. But the alternative to moving forward (and, let’s be perfectly clear, that is electing Democrats over Republicans) is Trump and this infernal administration.

Remember when your progressive favs argued there would never be a safer time to vote for a third party than in 2016? I do. Remember when moderate conservatives argued Trump was really pro-LGBT and supported gay rights? I do. Remember when he held up a rainbow flag upside down? I do. Remember when the Hate Pumpkin himself had the audacity to tweet this out? I fucking do.



And then yesterday happened when I woke up to a buzzing phone that said Trump tweeted he will not “allow or accept” transgender people to serve in any capacity in the military. He said this was because of the “burden” of their medical costs and the “disruption” of their presence. Yes, he banned transfolk from the military on fucking Twitter.



So yeah, you read that right, the poor little rich boy who got five draft deferments from Vietnam because of “bone spurs” wants to kick out 15,000 patriotic trans servicemembers. Never mind that according to a Defense Department-commissioned study published just last year the military spends at least 10 times more a year on erectile dysfunction drugs ($84 million annually) compared to trans-related medical care ($2.4-$8.4 million annually). Never mind that the same study estimated the increase in cost is a minuscule fraction (a tiny 0.13-percent or $8.4 million out of $6.2 billion) of the military’s total healthcare costs. Nope, trans folks gotta go because to save us from this disruptive burden. Interesting, well I can’t wait his imminent banning of limp dicks because of the disruptive burden they are on the military.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, a Trump trip down to Mar-A-Lago costs about $3.6 million for taxpayers per pop and he has been there 11 weekends out of his 27 weeks in office. I’m not great at the maths, but say if he spent two weekends in Washington instead that “burden” sure seems like it might be lifted. Weird. Almost makes it seem like it’s not about the money after all.

But, oh no, Trump’s LGBT-lovin’ ways weren’t done for the day. Then it broke that his Department of Justice argued in federal court that gay people aren't protected from discrimination under Title VII. That racist Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions has his DOJ file a brief – in a case the department wasn’t even directly involved in – to explicitly say it’s A-OK to discriminate against homosexuals. Also, yes, the brief used the term “homosexuals,” and not LGBT because of fucking course it did.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS FUCKING ADMINISTRATION.

Look, politics and politicians are almost always disappointing. I get that. But this isn’t about your feelings and your hopes and your dreams for a utopian world. This is about how this administration and its policies are hurting real people right now. Be it a trans servicemember or a Islamic refugee or a Latino immigrant or people with pre-existing medical conditions (oh yeah, don’t forget they’re actively trying to strip tens of millions of Americans of their healthcare as we speak). Real people, real pain.

My promise to you is I will do everything I can to remove this man from office. I will not become disenchanted because I’m not getting everything I want. I will not turn my back on the most vulnerable communities out of sullenness or apathy. It’s not about me, it’s about we the people. And we the people deserve so much better than this unending parade of hate. Fuck Donald Trump.

And to our brave trans military members, thank you for your service. To scared trans youth, we love you. Seek help if you are hurting. You can find it at www.translifeline.org or by calling 877-565-8860. And once more, with all of the feelings, fuck Donald Trump.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Star-Crossed Lovers

Spoiler Alert: Full-on lesbian processing about the finale of “Doctor Who” Season 10 is about to happen. And, yeah, don’t watch that video is you don’t wanna feel the feels.

I’ve been terribly behind on my TV watching (having nightly panic attacks about the rapidly declined state of our country and rage blackouts at having to beg Republican congressmen not to kill us just so they can give millionaires tax cuts is really cutting into my leisure time, you know). But last weekend I finally caught up on the most recent season of “Doctor Who.” And, after thinking about it and thinking about it and rewatching some epsiodes I’ve decided – I like it, I really liked it.

Because of the delay between me watching the first episode and then the last, I had forgotten exactly how things were left between Bill Potts and Heather/The Sentient Oil Puddle. So I rewatched the finale, and then I rewatched the premiere back to back and, goodness, it works, it really works.

For those who didn’t watch this season, here is lightening recap of the story arc: lesbian chips server Bill meets a girl named Heather with a star in her eye who dreams of going places and then disappears into a sentient oil puddle that then chases Bill through space and time because, you know, insert lesbian U-Hauling joke. Bill convinces Heather/Puddle to let her go and then travels through space and time with The Doctor instead. But then she gets turned into a killer robot/Cyberman (which is bad – and kind of kills her) and Heather/Puddle returns to save her and turn her into a sentient puddle and then travel all of space and time together instead. The end.

So, technically – Bill dies-ish. So you could considered this a Bury Your Gays/Dead Lesbian Syndrome candidate. But it was also something more. I remember when I watched the season premiere it felt so melancholy. We’re meeting Bill at the same time she is losing this girl who just might be the one. So in the finale it all comes back around in the most unexpected and unexpectedly welcome way. Sure, Bill isn’t human anymore. But we’re all just atoms that can be rearranged any way you like now she is something else. And that something else gets to travel all of space and time with her girlfriend.

I’d place the finale of “Doctor Who” Season 10 in the same realm of “San Junipero.” That’s another story with the quite literal burying of the lesbians (like, for real, you see a burial). But the two women live happily ever after in the great virtual hereafter. A computer simulated reality, all of space and time. Whatever it takes to get our lesbian happy endings, hey, I’ll take it.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

No Wavering on Waverly

Things I didn’t know about Dominique Provost-Chalkley (a.k.a. the ever-adorable and thankfully no longer black-eyed, demon-possessed Waverly Earp).

1. She can dance. Like really, really dance.

2. She is British. Like really, really British.

I don’t know how it took me this long to realize either one. I blame not knowing about her British accent because I am one of those people who prefers reading interviews to watching them (sorry all media companies and your insane video pushes) and therefore just had never heard her speak out loud outside of her character. I also credit her incredible acting because I did not hear even a hint of that British-person-doing-an-American-accent thing you often hear when a British person does an American accent. But now that I know what her true voice sounds like, HELLO.



As for the dancing thing, well, I should have guessed after that “everyone’s thing”-cheerleading routine. And her well-toned midriff is continually on display on the show. Is that like written into her contract or what. But check it, homegirl can move.



Right, as if there weren’t enough reasons to love Dominique and WayHaught already. But, just to be safe, better watch that cheerleading scene one more time.

p.s. I could not be more thrilled by the news from over the weekend that “Wynonna Earp” has been picked up for a third season. (Way)Haught damn, that is well deserved.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Naked Lady Monday

It’s the most wonderful time...of the year. Yes, it’s The Body Issue time, which is here to tide us over with our sporty ladies fix until the Olympics roll around again. This year’s crop features a slew of talented athletes. I’m also pleased they at least tried to pose each of the athletes engaging in poses somewhat related to their sport. No more creampuff shots of naked ladies, dudes. Just naked ladies doing the thing they do best – kicking ass. Fine, that butt shot is pretty, extremely creampuff – the puffiest. But, you know, sometimes a little sweet isn’t so bad. So without further ado-ing, ready, set, naked.

A.J. Andrews, Softball


Kirstie Ennis, Adaptive Sports


Nneka Ogwumike, Basketball


U.S. Women’s National Hockey Team


Ashley Wagner, Figure Skating


Michelle Waterson, MMA


Novlene Williams-Mills, Track & Field


Caroline Wozniacki, Tennis